Recruiters

Disclaimer: I apologise in advance to all and any honest people in this profession who are trying to make their living the good, honest and hard-working way and are getting bad reputation because of those who want quick and dirty money.

Ok, here's how it works: You find an ad on Seek.com.au, it says something like "great opportunity, my client is a world-renowned company in _insert generic business here_ and is looking for _insert generic IT position here_!!! Great $$$, + package, +benefits.

You spend about one hour licking your freshly updated CV and a cover letter, you send it out and you never hear from the agency again.

On average, there are about 100 IT jobs in Sydney advertised every day. There is a whole lot of people applying for them. Sadly, many of these jobs are just fake. The agencies are publishing fake ads just to get the people to send them their CVs. There are three links in this chain, you, the job-seeker, the job agency, let's call them pimps, as a pet name, and the employer.

In cases where valid employers advertise valid positions for valid people, you do have a chance. On average, about 40-50 of your all job applications would yield about two to three phone calls, and maybe one interview. It's impossible to check, but in my humblest opinion, about half of ads are fake.

Hi, I'm your new career councilor, bitch.

The response to your application can be three-fold:

1) None

2) "Thank you for your application. However, we decided not to progress with it at this time since we had more suitable candidates. We would like to keep your CV if a similar position opens in the future".

3) "Hi, this is a pimp calling from a pimping agency. I've got your CV and I'm wondering if you have 5 minutes to talk"

Now, this response is the one your life depends on. In this busy 5 minutes, where his voice has this cheerful tone which sounds like he's got a lynch mob in front of his house while making a call to change his tax file number, you are supposed to present yourself in the best light possible and win his little heart so he would push you forward.

From my personal experience in looking for job, I learned the following:

1) Your CV must be 95-100% match to whatever the employer is asking. This is not only impossible as every job is different, but is also insane to ask for. You are supposed to make progress with the next job, not stagnate, so why in the dark depths of hell are the pimps looking for a 100% match? Easy, because they don't have time or will or knowledge to read through your CV and actually UNDERSTAND the person described in it, and assess what he/she is capable of. Also, the company would surely benefit of your diverse experience, rather then looking for a robot, but they don't know that, because pimps are not telling them. And, yes, they mockingly call this HR....

2) The pimp is your god. He's the alpha and omega. He's the lord of your life, your present life and your future life. If he recommends you to a company, you're likely to get a job. If he throws your CV into the bin, the company won't know that you exist. Don't piss off the pimp, or else...

3) Pimps [and their agencies] are paid sickening amounts of money for employing whoever the fuck they want. I've managed to get an inside information whereby they receive up to 20.000 for a successfully employed candidate. Oh yes, my dear, this goes off of your annual salary. Remember when you see the salary in the job add saying something like 60.000 - 90.000 "depending on experience"? This actually refers to pimp's skills and experience in haggling with you for the lowest price, so he can get the difference. Of course, you don't want to be too greedy because you badly need the job, and will usually satisfy with the minimum amount. If you are too greedy, on the other hand, the pimp will let you know that "unfortunately, the company decided for someone else with an experience matching more closely to what they need".


This is, of course, a no win situation.

Hi, do you have five minutes to talk?

Let me give you a real-life example. I applied, I got a #3 call. I managed to get a phone interview with a company, which was on Wednesday. The pimp said he was going to talk to the interviewer on Thursday 13:00 hours and call me to give me feedback.

On Friday, I called his office and left him a message since he was in meetings all day long.

I spent a weekend thinking about it.

On Monday, I sent email asking for feedback.

I spent next 2 days thinking about it.

On Wednesday, I sent the following email. I'm publishing it here in its entirety, without the names.

"Hi _insert generic name_,

Last I've heard from you was when you said you will talk to _interviewer_ at about 1 o'clock and provide me with feedback of my phone interview. That was on Thursday morning.

In the meantime, I've called, I've left the messages, I've sent emails and have nothing back from you.

It is very frustrating to have an interview and not have any feedback from it for a week now. I'm sure you are busy but, please, just tell me simple yes or no, so that I can move on, it shouldn't take you longer than 20 seconds.

If you can please let me know today, I'd appreciate it.

Regards,"

You know what happens? He calls me 30 minutes later to tell me how he did not appreciate the tone of my email, the very one above. He said "I understand it, but I don't appreciate it". He said how he's got 19 jobs with 3 candidates on each, and how do I expect him to keep in touch with all of them? He also told me that I made it to round two and that I'll have another interview. The call lasted about 30 seconds.

He didn't appreciate it.

In the sweet voice of Marry Poppins - For fucking sake of holy fuck's fuck, who the fuck are you to fucking appreciate or not appreciate fucking anything?

I have a life which I have to fit into job change. I have one month notice. I have plain tickets to Europe, I have a family and 2 dozen different things that need to fit into this change, and he tells me he didn't appreciate it? Let alone the fact that I couldn't give a flying fuck about other 19 jobs and 3 candidates per each. I don't care man, you deal with me now, I want you to give me your time, I don't care how.

Fucking asshole.

Dear "recruiters" let me quote you the definition of HR:

"Human resources is a term used to refer to how employees are managed by organizations, or to the personnel department charged with that role. The field has moved from a traditionally administrative function to a strategic one that allegedly recognizes the link between talented and engaged people and organizational success. The field draws upon concepts developed in Industrial/Organizational Psychology and System Theory."

See? There's a reason why they call it HUMAN resources! Also, did you notice what you should be after? Talent! Talent is what you're supposed to be after, not 100% match.

Now, hit me!